Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
