Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
