Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
