so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
