you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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