Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
