First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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