cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
