I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
