i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
