U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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