She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My feet surprised me
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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