you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
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