Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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