I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
