I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
