Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
