This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
