I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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