I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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