did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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