I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
