a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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