did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
