I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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