Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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