I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Randomize