I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Hippo gnu deer
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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