I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
