Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize