Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
