I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
