You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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