So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
