my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
