Fine. I'll sleep in my office
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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