she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
