i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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