It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
