Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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