i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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