My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
