i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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