I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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