I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
zippers are such a cool invention
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
