nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
