walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
