someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
