I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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