I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He passed out mid-signature
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize