There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
