i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
