we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
