Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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