she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
