Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
