I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
